Best of ’09: The One Where Someone Else Gets Naked and I Learn a Lesson

…also known as Best of ’09: Best Lesson Learned, Part 2 (Part 1 here) OR How I Learned Not to be a Prude. You choose the title you like best.

So you’ve heard about my traumatizing experience at the Moroccan Hammam. You’ve heard how I had to be all sorts of naked and scrubbed down by an equally naked woman with the biggest boobs I’ve ever seen. Got that allll covered. So now we can move on to the time I stayed with a nudist stoner.

So I’m in southern Spain, its like two weeks until I have to leave Europe and I decide last minute that I need to have one last beach holiday. My Rick Steves’ book tells me about this one little beach town that’s a hidden gem and it’s decided: I’m going there. (Sorry, name of town is hidden for the protection of the innocent. Or not so innocent. Whatever.)

I take one look at the two 40 year old couch surfers the town has to offer and decide a hostel is the better way to go. I find this ridiculously cheap hostel that has great reviews and decide to give it a try. Even though they give no address or directions to the hostel. Just that I have to call when I get there. Sketchy? YES. But all these people had given good reviews so I was going to risk it.

I’m picked up by this American guy who I find out owns the unmarked hostel where I am lead to. I also find out I’m the only one staying there and I’m starting to picture me being the star of my very own horror movie (for the second time this trip!) but the guy seems relatively normal and we start joking around pretty quickly so I figure I’m okay. As soon as I’m upstairs and settled into my own room, he pulls out the pot. And I’m all oh that’s pretty awesome. So he gives me a hit, I go out and see the town and its gorgeous and I’m on cloud nine because I’m in the most fucking beautiful place in the world and there’s free pot.

That night we sit and chat about everything; we smoke up, we drink beers, we smoke up some more and listen to Grateful Dead, Jerry Garcia Band and Bob Marley. He ends up being pretty hilarious with a thing for imitating accents and making fun of EVERYONE. (his impersonation of Bush and Obama had me on the floor) Total stoner but I was high too so I didn’t really care. Free pot! What’s not to love?

Plus he was pretty good looking.

What? Don’t look at me like that.

He started telling me about his underwear parties that he’d throw at the hostel when there was a bunch of girls and guys here. The girls would wear their underwear, and the guys would go completely nude. Sounded pretty awesome to me. I’d be down for that. I mean, this was the new me, I didn’t care about being naked anymore.

So the next morning I come downstairs and there he is, shirtless this time (which I totally didn’t mind) and smoking up. Offered me a hit which I declined due to the early hour and I headed down to the german pastry shop he’d recommended to have some fabulous struedel and to go sit on the beach. I’d go back every once in a while to the hostel and would hang out with my new stoner friend and got high throughout the afternoon. He’d kind of been hinting that he’s a little bit of a nudist and didn’t like wearing clothing. Talked about how if I wanted to sunbathe on the roof naked, I could. New me apparently still cared about being naked. At least in front of guys. I didn’t participate in that.

Blah blah blah day was awesome, fabulous sunset, go back to the hostel, make some dinner and sit down with him in the common area and start smoking up and drinking more beers. All of a sudden HE’S NAKED.

He was not kidding when he said he didn’t like clothing.

I did my best not to stare. Remember how he was good looking? It applied everywhere, lets just say.

He totally knew I was attempting not to stare so he would joke around and I would turn a few shades of red and stop looking at me like that.

I survived the first night of him naked and somehow, SOMEHOW, while both of us were high and drunk and him being very very naked, nothing happened. The next morning I come downstairs and oh HES STILL NAKED! Way too early in the morning for that kind of surprise but I do my best. I go out to the beach, lie out, and come back. We wind up on the roof terrace, me in my bikini and him….you know…naked. After a couple awkward moments that involves him staring at my boobs and then apologizing for it, we start talking about sex. We’d been talking about it before but at that point at least *I* was fully clothed.

I’m feeling more comfortable that there is a very attractive, very tan, very fit naked man in my presence that I’m not sleeping with, when all of a sudden he says “Umm…well I wouldn’t look over here. I’m kind of…happy.” Oh dear Jebus.

So what do I do? I look over. He laughs at me and then he asks me if I’ve ever seen an uncircumcised one. No, I had not. He managed to get my head to turn BACK in his direction and oh THERE IT IS.

And he’s awful proud of himself that he was the first one I’d ever seen. And then we start talking about length and girth and HOLY SHIT I DESERVE A FUCKING OSCAR FOR THE PERFORMANCE I GAVE. The performance that involved NOTHING HAPPENING. Did I mention he had a good body? Ahem.

He had mentioned on a previous night that at one party he had all the girls sign his dick. I had to leave that day for the next city and as I’m leaving (and he’s still naked) he’s all well I’d give you a hug…then he laughed at the expression on my face. Then he says, “I don’t usually ask just anyone but since you’re pretty damn cool, do you want to sign it?”

I politely declined.

So I may still be somewhat of a prude, but I definitely am a lot more loosened up thanks to my experiences abroad. Thank you, Europe, Africa and the nudist stoner.

Now enjoy this no-puns-intended picture of that gorgeous town.

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24 Responses

  1. Hey I know the town, I’ve been there! I totally recognized it from the picture, I was like, I know that cannon! And cannon is not a euphemism for any body parts here, I never ran into the nudist stoner during the day I spent there. 😉

  2. I have nothing to say. Oh my! Haha. I give you credit, I don’t know if I would have been able to keep a straight face for any of that. Or be certifiably freaked out.

  3. I doubt I would have been so strong.

  4. lmao….. best story ever. and seriously- nice pic. haha

  5. ok. I don’t know how exactly this happened so quickly- usually I move waaaaayyyy more slowly- but somehow in the span of that post, I developed a raging girl crush on you.

  6. I’ve never seen an uncircumcised one EITHER. (And now you have me all curious about something I definitely can’t google at work…)

    What does he mean by having the ladies sign it? “BS was here”? It’s penis graffiti!

  7. I see an uncircumcised one every day. It’s funny to think that some people haven’t.

    I don’t know if I would have had as much restraint as you did.

  8. okay that story is seriously right out of a movie or something, that is hilarious and amazing and i love it. i don’t think i would have been able to not look either, just too curious i suppose, haha.

  9. I love the way you’re telling these stories and giving us all little glimpses into the trip as a whole – and OH MY GOD a nudist stoner?! You can’t make that shit up.

  10. Haha. I’m proud of you! I would’ve been freaked out once I realized I was the only tenant. And I don’t think I couldve been so non-chalant about the nakedness! Haha

  11. Hahaha I’m dying. I’m so impressed with your self control and ability to retell the story and make ME blush at everything that happened!

  12. BEST. STORY. EVER.

  13. wow, just wow. that is a definitely a story for the books. i don’t know how i would have reacted to the whole nudist thing and the fact he was happy and hot haha

  14. Holy crap…I went to Europe this summer and none of my stories even COMPARE to this one. This is pure amazing. I would have been freaked out about being the only one at the hostel haha. I’m glad you declined signing his penis.

  15. […] stayed with a nudist stoner in this gorgeous […]

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